When I read Gurl's latest post I wasn't surprised. Some people might be but not I. It's hard enough to gulp down the fact that you're actually alone, far from home and family, when you get into IPTA or IPTS.
It's hard when you're the kind of person whom the words "Home" and "Family" mean a lot to you - like myself.
And to think I've never even thought about it before.
I mean, I didn't realize it before.
In the past few months since I entered campus, I cried a few times. I cried at nights when I'm alone in my room because frankly, I miss home so much. In fact I cried the very night before I left for Malacca. I cried after Dad left the campus because I know I'm literally alone now. When I had that stupid misunderstanding with a fellow Sabahan, I cried because I was worried. Though that wasn't appreciated...when I was sick for a fortnight thanks to the camping, I cried because I hated being sick when I am alone. I cried occasionally when I am alone because I miss G. I miss Nyon2 and Didun. I miss Mom and Dad. I miss talking with Uncle Marcus. I miss the occasional steamboats.
I miss home.
And to top all that, I hated being a burden to my family. I know Ono and Yaya are thinking about building houses now, especially Yaya who's gonna have a second child this July. Recession is still around. It actually kills me whenever I want to withdraw cash from the ATM, knowing where the money comes from. And to actually ask for extra would literally cost me my pride.
I would rather sit at home and help my siblings take care of their children. I love kids now, thanks to someone :) but at the same time I can't deny that I'm very ambitious. I want to work and earn a lot so I can buy stuffs for my family, my parents, just like my older siblings did. I want to be able to bring them out on vacations, just to thank them for raising us up.
Sometimes I wish I was born in a filthy rich family where my parents doesn't really care about me and how I live my life as long as they give me my monthly 10k allowance, excluding any extra I'd ask for. I wish I had that life so I won't feel so damn guilty...
My family loves me. I love them too.
That's why this heart's been aching to go home...
It's hard when you're the kind of person whom the words "Home" and "Family" mean a lot to you - like myself.
And to think I've never even thought about it before.
I mean, I didn't realize it before.
In the past few months since I entered campus, I cried a few times. I cried at nights when I'm alone in my room because frankly, I miss home so much. In fact I cried the very night before I left for Malacca. I cried after Dad left the campus because I know I'm literally alone now. When I had that stupid misunderstanding with a fellow Sabahan, I cried because I was worried. Though that wasn't appreciated...when I was sick for a fortnight thanks to the camping, I cried because I hated being sick when I am alone. I cried occasionally when I am alone because I miss G. I miss Nyon2 and Didun. I miss Mom and Dad. I miss talking with Uncle Marcus. I miss the occasional steamboats.
I miss home.
And to top all that, I hated being a burden to my family. I know Ono and Yaya are thinking about building houses now, especially Yaya who's gonna have a second child this July. Recession is still around. It actually kills me whenever I want to withdraw cash from the ATM, knowing where the money comes from. And to actually ask for extra would literally cost me my pride.
I would rather sit at home and help my siblings take care of their children. I love kids now, thanks to someone :) but at the same time I can't deny that I'm very ambitious. I want to work and earn a lot so I can buy stuffs for my family, my parents, just like my older siblings did. I want to be able to bring them out on vacations, just to thank them for raising us up.
Sometimes I wish I was born in a filthy rich family where my parents doesn't really care about me and how I live my life as long as they give me my monthly 10k allowance, excluding any extra I'd ask for. I wish I had that life so I won't feel so damn guilty...
My family loves me. I love them too.
That's why this heart's been aching to go home...
9 comments:
If you came from a filthy rich family [as u put it]..I think your life won't be normal as now..hehehe
That's is why God didn't make us rich hahaha
Praise to God for whatever we have now!
everyone cries during their first week in uni life...me too
Aning, at least if I come from a freaking wealthy family who doesn't care about my upbringing, I would feel less guilty spending the cash and well, live my life as a spoilt brat :D
Thing is, I know how my family worked hard just to get me by in campus since I am, undeniably, due to some personal, individual circumstances need a bit more money than the rest of my siblings did back in their times (e.g. food - my tummy's picky on what I consume, health - I rarely get sick but once I do, it takes time to recover and panadol just doesn't work on me).
In fact, Ojit uses less money than I think I do :( of course I am grateful for the loving family God gave me. That's why I feel guilty...'sides, I don't really like to think that I'm using their money, or anyone's for that matter. Makes me feel uncomfortable somehow.
Haha.
At least I could get by w/o borrowing money from strangers around me.
Lc ~ I still cry after the first week in campus, not because I can't stand it but because I really, really miss home. There's no place like home after all.
Hehe :D anyway, thanks guys!
eww yot crying *haha runnn
yeah,sumtimes its really difficult kan bila alone.But you still have friends look after u.
i know u are strong gurl! ;)
Anysz ja'at!!
Hehe it's really difficult esp when I see my friends heading home. Still I've you guys and a few cool seniors :)
Thanks dear! xo
It's ok to cry you know especially living in someone else's land kan.. Even though i'm going for my 4th year already, i still feel homesick. That gives me excuses to go home of coz...hehe
Fiona ~ !! Haven't seen you for a long time ~ I went to the LG in Feb and met Edna. She mentioned about you :D and since she's no stranger too, I was really glad to know her.
Homesick's such a big deal esp when it comes to my niece & nephew...I wouldn't be missing home this much if Ono & Ujang don't have children yet hehe :P
I just want to see the kids.....tukoi! Bgus klau ank sia ba kan ~
Oh yot...ur post is even more inspiring.but i don't know after all the pondering and contemplating i've been doing.I feel like i want to get back to that position one more time.Cos i do feel dissapointed and everyone deserves a second chance.I might just put myself in those circumstances one more time-prolly this coming june (:
wish me luck this time heheeh
Don't worry gurl, there are more opportunities for you actually. As much as I hate admitting that I do hate campus life, at least it thought me so many things...this coming from a fresh junior! Hah!
But still, you'll do better next time since you've got the exposure. Take this free time to prepare yourself mentally :D
We're always here for you sis :)
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