WARNING: The following entry is personal. If you haven't read Live, Love, Whatever before it was privatized, than you definitely will be confused, esp. about Gabriel, Luc and Dean. And maybe about everything else down this paragraph here. My apologies but I still have my keys and it is unlikely that I will be throwing each and every one of them.
There are times when I am so depressed and I don't even know it. And it is at times as such that the colours fade away; once again I am but a person of Indifference, walking about in this small, small world. It is at times as such where I don't even know what I am feeling towards everyone, anyone for all that I care.
My dear blog makes a great example! Since my return to campus, I seemed to have lost the want to blog. Well, blogging is not what I want really...it is something that I need. It is a platform for something that satisfy both my want and my need - writing.
I need to write something. I need to let my heart speak and my mind argue. I need to free my soul from worldly chains. Recent dealings made me vulnerable once again. Suddenly everything seems dim. Suddenly everything seems distant. Suddenly it feels as if I can't reach a certain someone...it should hurt so much, right? But I'm not bleeding. It hurts yet I'm not bleeding...
The Muse is still on strike. She won't talk to me until I settle everything else so that she could breath again. She demands her space. Worst, Gabriel is not around. I must have done something so wrong that my Guardian couldn't bear being around me... Annoyingly enough, even Luc and Dean are not here. Now this, it really hurts. These three were, are and always will be my precious Guardians. If even Gabe isn't here...I'm speechless.
I was in Johor last weekend, for MJCC meeting. There and then, upon seeing my dear brothers and sisters in Christ, I feel so much alive. Refreshed. I must say, being around them brings out the joyous feeling inside me - as a Christian, a Catholic. It was a tiring journey to and fro but it didn't really bother me so much for me to tell myself I'm not going next time. I am. I want to.
When he called me last Sunday, I realized I was really depressed all this while. My 19th birthday was an eye-opener, in many ways. I know that I can't really change myself, at least not everything. I am still me. I still can't trust just about anyone except those I would feel an amazing chemistry with. Not the typical boy-girl chemistry but that of friendship. And I realized that one can love too much...as this is a family blog, I see no point for further elaboration.
For one thing that I am certainly certain of, I know...
...I am still madly, deeply in love and there's no way I can simply slap myself and say, "Nothing happened. Shut your eyes. Forget it. Let it be. Quit it. Stop. Leave. Just go."
It's too late for that now. I can't pretend it is nothing when I know very well what it is. I can't turn back and start over or simply move on, just with a snap of the fingers, no.
Gabe, I know you're reading this somewhere, wherever you are so...my dear Guardian, please, I need to hear you once more. I need your voice once more. I need you to tell me that everything will be alright.
There are times when I am so depressed and I don't even know it. And it is at times as such that the colours fade away; once again I am but a person of Indifference, walking about in this small, small world. It is at times as such where I don't even know what I am feeling towards everyone, anyone for all that I care.
My dear blog makes a great example! Since my return to campus, I seemed to have lost the want to blog. Well, blogging is not what I want really...it is something that I need. It is a platform for something that satisfy both my want and my need - writing.
I need to write something. I need to let my heart speak and my mind argue. I need to free my soul from worldly chains. Recent dealings made me vulnerable once again. Suddenly everything seems dim. Suddenly everything seems distant. Suddenly it feels as if I can't reach a certain someone...it should hurt so much, right? But I'm not bleeding. It hurts yet I'm not bleeding...
The Muse is still on strike. She won't talk to me until I settle everything else so that she could breath again. She demands her space. Worst, Gabriel is not around. I must have done something so wrong that my Guardian couldn't bear being around me... Annoyingly enough, even Luc and Dean are not here. Now this, it really hurts. These three were, are and always will be my precious Guardians. If even Gabe isn't here...I'm speechless.
I was in Johor last weekend, for MJCC meeting. There and then, upon seeing my dear brothers and sisters in Christ, I feel so much alive. Refreshed. I must say, being around them brings out the joyous feeling inside me - as a Christian, a Catholic. It was a tiring journey to and fro but it didn't really bother me so much for me to tell myself I'm not going next time. I am. I want to.
When he called me last Sunday, I realized I was really depressed all this while. My 19th birthday was an eye-opener, in many ways. I know that I can't really change myself, at least not everything. I am still me. I still can't trust just about anyone except those I would feel an amazing chemistry with. Not the typical boy-girl chemistry but that of friendship. And I realized that one can love too much...as this is a family blog, I see no point for further elaboration.
For one thing that I am certainly certain of, I know...
...I am still madly, deeply in love and there's no way I can simply slap myself and say, "Nothing happened. Shut your eyes. Forget it. Let it be. Quit it. Stop. Leave. Just go."
It's too late for that now. I can't pretend it is nothing when I know very well what it is. I can't turn back and start over or simply move on, just with a snap of the fingers, no.
Gabe, I know you're reading this somewhere, wherever you are so...my dear Guardian, please, I need to hear you once more. I need your voice once more. I need you to tell me that everything will be alright.
3 comments:
I feel you ~ see you in Sept..can I request for some Raya goodies, please?
u know what Yot..i forgot the address of ur other blog..since u created this one..i always follow you here
but i do remember ur 'guardian Gabriel' ;) i hope he didn't abandon u hehehe
:) Ker, what is it da?
Ning, it's at wordpress and privatized at the mo. I'll inform u later on if there are *certain* changes to that. Gabe won't leave me unless something happened (either my fault, which I've to figure out what it is or something happened to him and his brothers...which I must figure out too)
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